Let's take a look at this passage:
"My parents always say, 'It would have been better if you were never born,' 'You're so stupid,' 'You're useless,' 'You can't do anything right.' No matter what I do or say, they will criticize me, as if I am truly a worthless and annoying person."
Most parents occasionally say derogatory things to their children, but this does not necessarily constitute verbal abuse. Parents sometimes need to vent their anger, but the way they do it is incorrect. For children, if parents give them enough love on a regular basis, the children will understand that their parents fundamentally love them and will naturally forgive them. Considering children's forgetfulness, this is actually understandable, right?
However, verbal abuse is very different from what was just mentioned. Verbal abuse refers to frequent verbal attacks on others' appearance, intelligence, abilities, or value as a person.
If the above words resonate with you and you have often been subjected to verbal attacks from your parents, then your parents are likely verbally abusive.
"Kind words warm you up in the winter, while hurtful words chill you to the bone in June." Positive words encourage progress, while negative words make people feel negative.
Verbal abuse in families is filled with hurtful and insulting names, derogatory evaluations, and contemptuous accusations.
Verbal abuse parents always say:
"You're clumsy and can't do anything right."
"It would have been better if you were never born."
"You're stupid and useless. You're making me angry."
In a child's young mind, parents are the center of the world.
So the child will think:
"I can't do anything right."
"I really shouldn't have been born."
"I'm so stupid and useless."
Parents' verbal abuse conveys extremely negative self-evaluation messages to children, and the extent of the emotional trauma to children can be imagined.
Verbal abuse is cunning and malicious. After physical abuse, the scars can be seen. After verbal abuse, the scars are all in the heart, causing more profound harm than physical abuse.
Regarding physical abuse, our country has already enacted relevant laws. At the same time, it is frustrating that it is difficult to define the standards of verbal abuse and therefore difficult to formulate relevant laws. Therefore, children who suffer from verbal abuse are often isolated and have no support.
Unrealistically expecting children to become perfect is a common reason for parents to launch fierce verbal attacks.
Parents who pursue perfection live in such fantasies: as long as they can urge their children to be perfect, they will be a perfect family. They completely push the responsibility of maintaining family stability onto their children, in order to avoid the fact that they cannot provide this kind of life. And once the child fails, they become the scapegoat, bearing the responsibility for all family problems.
Such parents, regardless of their own success, seem to have difficulty accepting the fact that their children are just ordinary people.
Adult children of perfectionist parents usually have two paths to choose from: either constantly demanding themselves in order to win their parents' love, or resisting vigorously and even fearing success.
For children who demand perfection from themselves, it's as if someone is keeping score next to them. No matter how good their achievements are, they will never experience the joy of success. They feel that what they have done is not enough and that they can do better. If they make even the slightest mistake, they will be terrified.
For children who resist perfection, they are likely to live a life of constant failure. Because they don't know how to face success. Success means giving up resistance and submitting to their parents' demands, living the life they want for themselves.
Children are independent and complete individuals, with the right to choose whether they want to be ordinary, the right to choose their own lives, and the right to choose their own path, without having to pay for their parents' unfinished dreams, unattained positions, or unearned money.