Someone once summarized their life like this: in childhood, they studied hard to meet their parents' expectations; after graduating from college, they sought stable jobs to satisfy their parents' demands; during their student years, they suppressed their emotions at their parents' request, but as soon as they graduated, they married someone they may not have truly considered, just to put their parents' minds at ease amidst the pressure to get married; and then they lived for their children, just like their own parents, dedicating themselves to their children's education and lives, sacrificing everything for them, even in old age, not being able to eat, wear, or use things for themselves, leaving everything for their children.
This is the life of countless Chinese people, which may be praised as "selfless" and evoke various self-emotions, but it is not truly a "good life," and can't even be considered a "normal life."
Many people who habitually measure everything with extreme thinking might say, "Is it right to only think of oneself and have no sense of responsibility?" The problem lies here: they evaluate everything in black and white, in their eyes, there are only two types of lives: one is living for others, sacrificing everything for their children, and the other is having no sense of responsibility and not caring about anything.
They may overlook one thing: in most normal societies in the world, things are not like this. In a normal society, regardless of wealth, most people have their own lives (I do not deny the existence of poverty), they also raise children, try their best to provide good conditions for them, adapt to the demands of different social environments, and prepare for their children's future, but this does not prevent them from living a normal life within their means.
"Living for oneself" and "a sense of responsibility" are not incompatible terms. However, in Chinese society, the "self" or "individualism" behind "living for oneself" is often automatically assumed to be negative and equivalent to "selfishness" by many people. This misinterpretation stems from the disregard for the individual and private sphere in Chinese culture, which does not value individual rights. Emphasizing collective interests is the mainstream of Chinese values, and traditional culture always emphasizes collective consciousness and social constraints on individuals.
The disregard for the individual easily leads to the infringement of individual rights. For example, the common practice of forced marriage and childbirth in Chinese families is often justified as "for your own good." If a person cannot accept this kind of coercion, they are often accused of being "selfish." They may hear accusations like, "I raised you, changing your diapers and taking care of you, if you don't get married and have children soon, I won't be able to die in peace. How can you be so selfish?" But this is clearly not selfishness, it is simply defending one's own rights.
Misinterpreting "self-awareness" as "selfishness" is actually a deep fear of the concept of "self." This fear is a great tragedy because many people go through their whole lives without knowing what "self" really means.
The so-called self is about respecting one's own choices, not depriving others of their rights and freedom, being self-sufficient, and understanding oneself. On the other hand, selfishness is about taking and depriving others of their rights and freedom, lacking the ability to be alone, and needing others to fulfill oneself. The difference between the two is significant. The biggest problem when most people cannot live for themselves is that it makes the whole society lose its boundaries.
Take studying as an example, almost every parent tells their children, "Study for yourself," and this statement is certainly correct. But how many families can truly achieve this? Many families add things that shouldn't be there to their children's studies, such as the parents' face, which leads to the phenomenon of "other children" that generations of people resent. The excessive expectations of parents, or projecting their own regrets onto their children, are the sources of countless family tragedies. As for excessively depriving children of happiness, or even pushing them to study excessively, it has long been a societal illness. While it certainly has social causes, pushing everyone forward, "not asking if the child is willing" is still the norm in families.
Even as adults, it is difficult for Chinese people to have a relationship with "self" and "autonomy." For example, when it comes to finding a job, whether to pursue stability or ideals is an eternal question in Chinese families. In recent years, taking the civil service exam has even become the first choice for many graduates, seemingly achieving ideological unity between generations. However, to be honest, it is more of a convergence between the helplessness of young people and the inertia of the older generation's thinking, rather than a true ideological unity.
Marriage and childbirth are even more problematic areas, as they essentially involve depriving oneself of "self." The most common phrase in Chinese families, "I worked hard to raise you, and you still haven't gotten married and had children. Who are you being responsible to?" is a typical moral coercion, but it is often taken for granted by many people. The tragedies resulting from hasty marriages, even if they happen repeatedly in reality, do not lead the parents involved to truly reflect on themselves. As for having children and the insistence on having a son, it often comes with the outdated notion that "women are like hens, useless if they don't lay eggs."
Some people may say that parents are selfless and don't expect anything in return. This statement is obviously too absolute, and even those parents who truly don't expect material returns still have their own issues. When parents sacrifice everything for their children and completely lose themselves, it brings invisible pressure to their children. The more parents emphasize not wanting any return, the more suppressed the child's inner feelings tend to be, and they will actively choose to conform in various major life events (which is actually the "return" many parents secretly hope for).
Countless Chinese families have experienced such tragedies: children living under their parents' expectations until they collapse, but the parents feel unjust because they have been selfless in material terms and don't expect anything in return, so they think the children are ungrateful. In fact, this is because both sides have different understandings of "return."
In Chinese families, the focus is often on the material aspect of "giving" and "return," simply put, it's about "money," while neglecting the care for the spiritual aspect. Why do many children facing academic pressure collapse under their parents' meticulous care? This pressure does not only come from school, but also from the subconscious pressure of "we worked hard, you should repay us with good grades."
For a long time, "living for others" has occupied the moral high ground in Chinese society, but it actually hinders society from becoming civilized. If even a normal person who takes responsibility for themselves cannot be achieved, how can society be considered normal?
In most Chinese families, scenes like this are common: parents are extremely frugal, strict with themselves in terms of what they eat, wear, and use, but they are very generous with their children. Many people believe this is selfless dedication, but they overlook the numerous negative effects it brings—excessive frugality and self-criticism are actually passed on to the next generation, influencing their mindset; children will take everything for granted and lose their perception of love; excessive emphasis on material accumulation while neglecting spiritual richness is the most profound influence on children.
The last point is the most important: many Chinese people's understanding of raising children boils down to one word—money. They believe that as long as they can financially support their children, they can provide them with good food, education, and a bright future. Even if there is no immediate prospect, the family's accumulation can help the children.
Money is certainly important, but things at the spiritual level are the most important. I said a long time ago that I write and publish books not only because I enjoy it, but also to give my children a way to perceive their father's efforts and understanding of the world many years later. This is a transmission of spirit that money cannot replace (this statement does not mean I don't intend to make money, extreme thinkers, step aside).
A person who doesn't understand "living for oneself" is essentially neglecting their spiritual well-being. And what can a person who neglects their own spirit truly leave behind for their children?
All material things are fragile and may even disappear one day, but a person who lives a good life for themselves and understands the boundaries of love will make their children feel true love and understand how to love and face life.