As the saying goes, it's easy to paint a tiger's skin but hard to paint its bones; you can know a person's face but not their heart. Even though siblings may be as close as brothers and sisters, they often cannot truly connect heart to heart.
The psychoanalyst Freud once suggested that disharmony among siblings is the norm. This is because there is an inherent competition between siblings. In a family with limited resources, if one person has more, the other has less. Therefore, even in front of siblings, we should avoid casually saying these three things to prevent future regrets.
1. Disparaging Remarks#
Siblings grow up together and remember each other's embarrassing moments clearly. For example, who wet the bed in elementary school or who did something bad as a child. These are shared memories among siblings, but they should not be frequently brought up in front of each other. As the saying goes, you shouldn't hit someone's face when you fight, and you shouldn't expose their shortcomings when you argue. No one likes to have their embarrassing moments joked about, especially in front of outsiders.
I once had a colleague who liked to recount the mistakes made by team members every time a new person joined the company. Over time, everyone began to avoid her. From a psychological perspective, those who enjoy publicly exposing others' shortcomings often have feelings of inferiority and seek recognition from others. They have an inner sense of inferiority, so by highlighting others' flaws, they gain a sense of superiority through comparison. By publicly exposing others' shortcomings, they attract attention to satisfy their vanity. Some people make inappropriate jokes thinking they are being humorous. It might be fine once or twice, but saying it too often will only lead to annoyance.
2. Boastful Remarks#
As the saying goes, wealth should not be flaunted. After siblings reach adulthood, some may do well while others may not. At this point, boasting about one's income in front of siblings will only breed resentment. I once saw a fable that said a beggar does not envy how rich Bill Gates is, but will envy other beggars who earn more than they do. People close to you always hope you are doing well, but they do not want you to do better than them.
In psychology, there is a concept called "jealousy response," which refers to the phenomenon where individuals transfer their negative emotions onto others who are in similar situations but have achieved better outcomes when their own needs are unmet. The series of reactions that arise from this mindset is termed "jealousy response." The basic characteristics of jealousy response are hatred and anxiety, which can manifest as verbal or behavioral attacks. Especially among siblings, since everyone starts from the same starting line, if one person excels, it is more likely to provoke jealousy in others. Therefore, if you are the more outstanding sibling, be sure not to talk about your savings and achievements. The speaker may not intend to boast, but the listener can always interpret it as bragging or even mockery. Over time, this can create a rift between siblings.
3. Preachy Remarks#
Confucius once said, "The trouble with people is that they like to be teachers." Older brothers and sisters, having entered society earlier, often like to give advice to their younger siblings. However, this advice should be given sparingly and should not be overly paternalistic. "Paternalistic" refers to when people offer unsolicited advice that is not helpful, trying to teach others things while also belittling them. A typical example is someone trying to teach Gu Ailing how to ski.
From a psychological perspective, when individuals educate others, they may develop an illusion of their own importance. For them, the process of teaching others boosts their self-esteem and brings a sense of self-satisfaction, regardless of whether the advice is suitable for the other person. Therefore, those who like to preach do so not only to establish a grand image in front of others but also out of a need for their own abilities. However, no one likes to be overly lectured. If you frequently position yourself as an elder and casually judge your siblings' lives, it will not only fail to make them heed your advice but will also make them feel impatient.
In summary, although siblings are the closest people, one must still exercise some discretion in conversation. Boastful remarks, disparaging remarks, and preachy remarks should all be minimized.