Why Are Kind People Always Bullied?#
We have been taught to be kind since childhood, but few people tell you the intricacies behind kindness. There is a concept in psychology called "learned helplessness." The more you appear easy to talk to, the more people around you will treat you like a soft target.
In the animal kingdom, weaker animals may show weakness to avoid conflict. But in human society, it’s quite the opposite; showing weakness often invites more attacks. Why? Because humans have a characteristic called "bullying the weak and fearing the strong."
Look at those cases of school bullying; the bullied children are often not the weakest but the most "easy to bully." Children who are truly at the extreme of weakness are not bullied because there is no sense of achievement in bullying them.
The same principle applies in the workplace. Those who are always blamed are not the least capable but the least likely to refuse. Because bullying them has the highest "cost-effectiveness," the least resistance, and the greatest reward. This is the "kindness trap."
You think you are expressing goodwill, but you are actually sending out the signal "I am easy to bully." What is it fundamentally? It is the human "dominance hierarchy." In any group, a hierarchical order naturally forms.
If your kindness has no boundaries, it will be interpreted as "low status," and you will naturally become an object of exploitation. That’s why the ancients said, "Compassion does not command an army," not because compassion is bad, but because in the realm of power, excessive compassion will be interpreted as weakness, and weakness will be exploited.
So you must understand: kindness must have an edge, and compassion must have strength.
This Leads to the Second Insight: Truly Powerful People Have "Dual Personalities."#
Note, I am not talking about mental illness, but the ability to switch between different modes depending on the situation. In psychology, this is called "situational adaptability."
Look at those successful figures in history; who isn’t like this? Liu Bei could laugh and cry, and at critical moments, he could be ruthless. "Romance of the Three Kingdoms" describes him as "not showing joy or anger," but historical records show he was very harsh when dealing with internal conflicts.
Cao Cao is even more typical. When it comes to talent, he could put aside his hatred for his son Cao Ang and his beloved general Dian Wei, treating the surrendered general Zhang Xiu generously. Against enemies, he could say, "I would rather let the world betray me than I betray the world." This switching ability is key to his unification of the north.
Why is this "dual personality" so important? Because human society itself is diverse; if you use a single mode to deal with a complex world, you will definitely encounter obstacles everywhere.
Throughout the long process of human evolution, various survival strategies have formed. When facing different people and situations, different coping modes need to be activated. With collaborators, you need to show a "reciprocal altruism" side. With competitors, you need to show a "resource competition" side. With threats, you need to show a "self-defense counterattack" side.
Now many people, influenced by some motivational quotes, think that one should be "consistent," which is actually a misunderstanding of human nature. True consistency is about the alignment of values, not the rigidity of behavioral patterns.
Your core values can remain unchanged, but your expression must be flexible. Like water, it takes the shape of whatever container it encounters, but its essence remains water. This is why those who truly succeed give completely different impressions in different situations.
At home, they are gentle parents. In the company, they are strict bosses. In front of friends, they are easygoing partners.
How Can Ordinary People Operate Specifically?#
This requires you to learn two skills: quickly identifying people and responding flexibly.
First, Let’s Talk About Identifying People.#
Human nature has a characteristic called the "principle of consistency." A person's behavioral patterns tend to remain relatively stable across different situations. When observing someone, don’t just look at how they treat you; look at how they treat those weaker than themselves.
A person's attitude towards a waiter often reflects their true character more than their attitude towards a boss. Another technique is called the "small favor test." Give someone a small benefit and observe their reaction.
Normal people will express gratitude and know when to stop. Problematic individuals will take it for granted and then push for more. When Zhang Ruimin first became the head of Haier, there was an employee who was always late. Others suggested firing him, but Zhang Ruimin said to observe him first.
Later, it was discovered that this employee not only was late but also worked carelessly and disrespected colleagues. This is "character revealed in small matters."
Now, Let’s Talk About Response Strategies.#
The core principle is "layered handling." The first layer is people worth using your "Bodhisattva heart" on. These people usually have three characteristics: they have a basic moral bottom line, understand gratitude, and will not push for more. You can open your heart to these people.
The second layer is people you can cooperate with but need to keep a distance from. These people are not bad, but they are not worthy of your full trust. With them, you should use the principle of "equivalent exchange," helping each other but with moderation.
The third layer is people who require "iron-fisted measures." These individuals usually share a common trait: they do not respect boundaries. They will test your limits, and if you do not retaliate, they will escalate their behavior. To deal with such people, you need to learn a technique called "escalation," gradually increasing your response.
The first time, give a gentle reminder; the second time, a serious warning; the third time, a direct counterattack. This not only gives the other party a chance to correct themselves but also protects you.
Most importantly, you need to have a "bottom-line mentality." What is a bottom line? It is something you absolutely cannot accept. Once this bottom line is crossed, you must retaliate immediately, without any hesitation.
Remember, kindness is a choice, not an obligation. You can choose to be kind, but you cannot be bound by kindness. What you should think about is knowing when to use a Bodhisattva heart and when to use iron-fisted measures.
This world is complex, and human hearts are even more complex. But as long as you master these principles, you can navigate complex interpersonal relationships with ease.